What a difference a thought makes

What a big difference a thought makes if you read my earlier blogs I was lost and sad. I was having a hard time putting together words my own feelings, now how can that be? How could I have let my emotions spiral so far out of control that even I had no idea what was going on with me? Then it hit me these were all situations that I myself had created. How? Simply by not dealing with them. Instead of taking the time to look my demons in the eye and confront them I chose to put them away in a box all the way in the back of my mental closet where I would never again have to deal with them. But that, let me tell you, is a HUGE mistake. When you avoid issues you never heal there's always an ugly scar just beneath the surface waiting to manifest at any moment for any reason. I had to force myself to deal with the adoption of my children. In my mind I deserved no forgiveness I felt as if I had abandoned them just as my own parents had done to me. Adoption is a choice and I am in no way judging those of us who choose to take it. I know in my heart and soul that I made the right decision but even with that knowledge I hated the fact that I had to forgive myself. As I type this I am thinking, BULLSHIT I HAVE YET TO FORGIVE MYSELF, but that is to be dealt with another day and at another time. I have finally allowed myself to accept it and be ok with that. And compared to where I was even last week things are really looking up. I sleep better at night knowing they are loved and nurtured and even though I am allowed no contact I get pictures, videos, and updates all the time. They have a life that I could never have given them so young and lost in the world. The selfish part of me though wishes I had opted out of adoption and just struggled though. Other women do it everyday right??? But how many times have I watched women with thier children and thought OMG she is a horrible mother??? My biggest fear was being her, my mother. I realize I am just as confused today as I was that day but today I can handle the consequences and I can accept it and most of all I can still grow.