I guess this is a down day

Although I am not going to allow this to deter me from the journey I am on today is definitely a down day. I find myself feeling like its literally me against the world. How am I really supposed to get over days like this? What do I say to myself to make me feel better about the fact that I am all alone in a world consisting of billions of other people? How can this be explained? I am by most people's standards a nice looking woman, I work, provide for myself, and i am a wonderful friend to those who are friends back...so how did I end up here????

What a difference a thought makes

What a big difference a thought makes if you read my earlier blogs I was lost and sad. I was having a hard time putting together words my own feelings, now how can that be? How could I have let my emotions spiral so far out of control that even I had no idea what was going on with me? Then it hit me these were all situations that I myself had created. How? Simply by not dealing with them. Instead of taking the time to look my demons in the eye and confront them I chose to put them away in a box all the way in the back of my mental closet where I would never again have to deal with them. But that, let me tell you, is a HUGE mistake. When you avoid issues you never heal there's always an ugly scar just beneath the surface waiting to manifest at any moment for any reason. I had to force myself to deal with the adoption of my children. In my mind I deserved no forgiveness I felt as if I had abandoned them just as my own parents had done to me. Adoption is a choice and I am in no way judging those of us who choose to take it. I know in my heart and soul that I made the right decision but even with that knowledge I hated the fact that I had to forgive myself. As I type this I am thinking, BULLSHIT I HAVE YET TO FORGIVE MYSELF, but that is to be dealt with another day and at another time. I have finally allowed myself to accept it and be ok with that. And compared to where I was even last week things are really looking up. I sleep better at night knowing they are loved and nurtured and even though I am allowed no contact I get pictures, videos, and updates all the time. They have a life that I could never have given them so young and lost in the world. The selfish part of me though wishes I had opted out of adoption and just struggled though. Other women do it everyday right??? But how many times have I watched women with thier children and thought OMG she is a horrible mother??? My biggest fear was being her, my mother. I realize I am just as confused today as I was that day but today I can handle the consequences and I can accept it and most of all I can still grow.

SMDH

It's a wonderful day when you wake up and realize that we all got a story to tell. Some better than others yeah but we all got one and none of our pasts make us any more or less deserving of a future. It's all about how much and hard you're willing to work. And for me that's great news because i'm full of ambition, hence my decision to focus primarily on starting my career. But that's so not the purpose of my blog today, today I wanna talk about those of us out here who take advantage of people that are down and out. Or at least those of us that are convinced we are down and out. There are people (men and women) that prey on kicking a person when thier down, but why???? I have come to the conclusion that they are going through the same issues and problems but the side effects have manifiested differently. I became introverted, quiet, and antisocial. Others become aggresive, angry, and offensive. Fuck these people noone cares that you're mean just because we withdraw doesn't mean we fear you guys...SMDH I can't even waste anymore of my blog time on you assholes.....

Self image thats what i'm gonna focus on today...

So yesterday turned out to be a better day than most, work was over before I knew it, i went to a street fair and came out with a new friend. I am not even usually a friend maker in most situations, don't get me wrong I apeak to almost every I see in a day but to actually talk and see that we have alot in common in a completely non sexual manner is not something that I do alot. The weather was beautiful, all sun no clouds no rain. It was as if the world was welcoming me to join and so I did lol. I stopped and had a drink on my way home from work not a few just one it was really mostly about the atmosphere. i'm in search of my cheers a place I can go where people will know my  name with no side bar chatter, or rumourous lies to spread. I haven't found it yet but i'm searching. See I am determined to make my life better and more content. I need love in my life but I was so brainwashed so hard that I thought the only way to have that was to have a man in my life. I'm so happy that I remembered love is also friendship and family. And that family isn't just the people that are linked to you through DNA but families are made up of all the people in life that love you and wanna see you happy and successful. Now I can't say that I have these things in my life but I know that since I walk with the Lord now that all these things are possible for me now. I feel like that is all I really wanna say right now so on that note I will stop writing here, but I want to thank anyone that may read this I am truly grateful abd you're helping me more than you can realize as you take in these words.

So I decided this morning that I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and take some kind of action to improve the quality of my life or else I am never going to get over this bump in the road. I am done waiting for a man to enter my life and save me or for people to "get me". I get me and I know whats needed in my life, and I have Jesus, and with him on my side of who should I be afraid. All I need is to take a step out on faith and everything should start improving or ar least thats what i'm banking on.

I don't really have alot of things to say this morning I just wanted to speak this thought that I was having into existence and there it goes....

Somebody say a prayer for me cause i'm gonna need it. Thanks to anyone that reads this

Ok so I started this blog and then just like everything else I ditched it when it got a little scary...and the really sad part is I don't even know what I was afraid of so I am back and determined to make this blog like my career and education, one of the things that i I set out to do and actually see it through.

So I started this because I am a point in my life where I am experiencing all of the consequences and rewards from the choices i've made in my life. It's not so bad it's just that I also find myself alone and perhaps destined to stay this way. There are a few things that are weighing heavily on my mind today so I guess i'll start there.

I have two children that are adopted. I made this decision and I am forced to live with it but with every passing second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year there is a gaping hole growing in my soul that I am positive most people will never understand. Now as a result I for a short period deemed myself "unworthy" of anything that a good person should have. Now that I know this it is a hard place to climb out of. I find myself jumping in and out of wrekless relationships so much so that I know refer to myself as a "baby Kim Kardashian" I have no idea what to do about or if its a problem that can even be fixed at this point. In reality all I want is some love, stability, and a few friends to listen when I need to gripe. I am all these things for people unselfishly and whole heartedly so why is it so hard for me to find these things for myself in other people.

That is all I think that I am going to write today and I am not sure if anyone reads these but if you are thanks alot and come back I promise to get better as I get the hang of it .

NUMBER TWO

Today I went and saw think like a man and it got me thinking, what happened to me??? I used to be an independent, capable, confident woman. Today find myself as a game being played with and put away with absolutely no care, the question I'm facing us how did this happen to me??? How did life in 28 short years convince me i was worth less??? And why did I buy into the hype??? And perhaps most importantly now that I realize what's happening what can I do to change this, if anything??? I guess I should start at the beginning, I've started my blog for theraputic reasons life has been so up and down for me that I'm lost...I find it hard to share my feelings with people and i need to get these things out. I hope that by writing this I can somehow sort through the chaos that is my mind and if not perhaps ill gain some sort of clarity in the process. I am Laura and I'm 28 years old, I have two children that are adopted, and until about a month ago I had been single going on 4 years. My children are 12 and 9 and due to my loveless childhood and lack of a family unit I decided adoption was best for my children. I still barely manage to deal with the guilt and the fact that they are loved and well cared for does little to convince me i made a good decision. I did however make it because I know it was best, and excuse me for being selfish but I am no better off for it. I feel like this is enough for today.... ELLE